Today I woke up with a big knot in my throat, a sharp pain in my heart and the relief of knowing that everything will be okay. Last night was one of those days that I dreamed with how my husband was. We were talking and he sounded so clear, so like he was, he was so different (active, outgoing and very secured of himself). Yes, I still remember those days and I feel so guilty I dreamed about it and I wish so badly we can have our lives back. Today is one oif those days that I would love to have a time machine and go back in time and spend there even if it's 10 minutes, the times that we used to laugh without thinking about the future, that we could be all day long somewhere traveling and having fun without the exhaustion. I know, it sounds horribly selfish and for that I feel so much guilt. Sometimes I feel scared I will forget how his voice sounded and his gestures when he talked to me. The days like today I go back as early as our wedding day and try to recall every moment we shared. It is difficult to go through the day because then I feel that sense of guilt, it is so embarassing. I should not be missing my husband because he is here. I should not be wanting him to be back how he was because he is still that loving, kind and great man I married. But sadly once in a while I feel like today.
It is healthy to share these feelings but I will also share and explain what is happening in days like today. I am experiencing what Dr. Pauline Boss extensive investigation describe as "Ambiguous Loss" http://www.ambiguousloss.com/four_questions.php
There is physical presence and psychological absence. In this type of ambiguous loss, the person you care about is psychologically absent-- that is, emotionally or cognitively missing. Such ambiguous loss can occur from Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias; traumatic brain injury; AIDS, autism, depression, addiction, or other chronic mental or physical illnesses that take a loved one's mind or memory away.
So if you go to her website you will also find why does this matters:
Ambiguous loss freezes the grief process and prevents closure, paralyzing couple and family functioning.
I do not want to share my feelings just because I want to. I want the caregivers to understand that we ALL go through the same process, ones more than others but so far there are many explanations and pople have dedicated their lives to study these kind of areas. You are not alone.
Today is one of those days, one that I have every couple of weeks but one that does not let me give up. I look and count my blessings, look for solutions and scrape that pitty from my skin and continue walking because "Life is NOT over". This is just a new beginning, full of new experiences, one that I will walk by my husband's side and one that will help me hep others. So as a result my message is
"Have Hope in the future, Do take care of loved one but also remember to take care of yourself"