Marriage and Intimacy

I was asked to write about marriage and intimacy. What a topic of so much divergence and complicated to the human nature. When I see marriages that survived WWII, Korea and Vietnam I can’t avoid thinking “wow, how they made that happened”, but the more I speak with more experienced couples the more I see a common theme among them, values and commitment. I remember seeing my grandparents’ growing old and still saying “I love you” like it was part of their daily language. “What have we forgotten or when did we disconnect?” “There is no intimacy, there is no marriage”. These question and statement are so common and have been brought to my attention by spouses of wounded warriors. One afternoon I am sitting at home and I am reflecting in all the comments that I have heard and the pain and sorrow that these situations bring to these spouses. Are you the spouse of a wounded warrior? Life is not over, like my husband will say, “It is a new beginning”. The problem is that sometimes we are young and full of life and in a minute we feel that life as we know it is gone. In 2009 when my husband was wounded and medically evacuated I was uncertain about our future but I was certain I would work hard to make it a better one and I was determine to bring color to our life. At first all the colors I saw could have painted a rainy gloomy day, however I knew my palate of colors had to expand to be able to paint that beautiful clear rainbow that comes after the rain, and so I did. When I think of intimacy I do not think it can be interchangeably and uniquely seen from the perspective that usually society defines it: a sexual encounter. My first question was “How elderly couples or even severely wounded couples achieve intimacy?” Well it came to mind that intimacy is what you make of it, it is how you define it and “Oh how happy I am”, that means I am in control of it. Many times with a spouse that has been wounded, the physical scars (if any) may heal but the emotional scars are sometimes the most devastating. Expectations is a meaningful factor when it comes to intimacy so let me describe it this way: If I expect my husband and I, to have intimacy as many times described by society and it is not achieved, then I could feel disappointed, discourage and unhappy, only because I haven’t reach my expectations, it is part of human nature. Do you know what that means? it means you have control of your expectations. If you set your expectations so hi that with your partner’s conditions makes them unrealistic, then you are in trouble because you will be unhappy, disappointed and discouraged. On the other hand if we define intimacy as our own we could describe it as a nice afternoon in the park holding hands exchanging words of affirmation of love, then it may be more a reach. For me intimacy is my husband brewing coffee, serving it and having a nice conversation. In winter would be having hot cocoa in front of the fireplace and embedded in a dialogue and laughs. I never expect more or less than a good time and that is what helped me achieve intimacy, strengthen the marriage and achieve happiness in the phase we are. You may say that it sounds easier than what reality is and I completely agree but if I found my formula to reach that point of contempt then I encourage you to create your own formula to success, each one of us is different and I know you can do it. I am a very positive person so I tend to identify good attributes of every so-called bad circumstance. I describe marriage as a journey of various scenarios and adventures but more than that, it is the ultimate sacrifice of love, holding to one another and never let go when the hike gets steep and rocky. In marriage communication is an attribute and skill that needs refinement and perfection with time. Communication is not just talking: it is about expressing a thought in the various ways possible; it is how you look at each other, the way you pass the plate for dinner, a gentle touch, and the last words you say when starting a busy day or what is said before going to sleep. In reality, couples sometimes think that communication is a formal way of taking time to discuss issues and resolve problems. Communication should be the way you utilize various mechanisms possible to express a feeling, idea or message. A daily positive communication can safe a marriage from devastating consequences, and it should be practiced in a daily basis. It never hurts to provide kind words, to smile, to look in the eyes and say it all. I encourage you to take the next week and think about that person you married, who she/he was, How you first met and how you both knew you were in love? What is a good anecdote or story that made you laugh so hard that you cried. When did you decide to get married and why? What was that special connection you had that made you decide you really wanted to spend the rest of your life with that significant human being in your life? And I would say, ask yourself this final question: How can we both start a new beginning and a new normal in our lives, one that would be better than what we ever imagined?